This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
