I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
