I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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