Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
