When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
