I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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