my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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