I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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