she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
