Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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