When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
