I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
