i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
