Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize