I'm going to rape someone's good day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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