I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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