Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
