omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
