I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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