The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
