That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
