i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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