My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
