haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
