Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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