i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
