The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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