Will you blow on my dice?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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