The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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