I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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