Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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