I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point