so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"