im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
