So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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