; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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