happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
