I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
