listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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