I want you more than these girls want KFC
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
