I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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