I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
