I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
