Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
