made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
