Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
