if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
