I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
there is glitter all over my balls
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