If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
