just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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