I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
