OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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