Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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