but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
