the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
