I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Randomize
