yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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