She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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