i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
