my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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